Fairy Ring (Take 3) – Chapter 1

So I figured out how to fix Fairy Ring. The problem lay in the source material, which was about two people becoming friends and later finding out that they were from opposing factions. The only way that could have a happy ending was if the factions made peace, and while that was probably possible to write, I can’t imagine the solution would be short or simple. The script was rewritten so that the only source of conflict was Cirno’s dislike of frogs, which is going to be more easily surmountable given that Cirno and Suwako want to be friends.

Without the whole “humans vs. youkai” angle, the rest of Team 9 (except Daiyousei) could be cut from the story, allowing the end to come in 36 pages, which was less than the 44 of the previous version, which in turn was less than the 100 of the version before. This removed the overly grim, out-of theme scenes such as this or that. Not having to draw pages with so many characters saved a lot of time, too.

Even though the script had to be rewritten, much of the art was recyclable. So yeah, 15 pages in one weekend!

Title

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Page 11
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5 comments on “Fairy Ring (Take 3) – Chapter 1

  1. I hope you thought this reset through. I did not realize you were shooting for a happy end to begin with, because the African fable that you quoted back then did not have one.

  2. IT KEEPS HAPPENING! — ahem.

    Hmm. It seems vaguely rushed for some reason. They practically go straight from “Oh, hi, a new person I haven’t met!” to “Hey, wanna be my shrine maiden, an individual which requires a large amount of trustworthiness?” Also, the “miracles” all involved actually changing peoples’ behavior (well … “Reimu gets donations” is kind of an edge case, admittedly), which kind of bugs me since it’s a bit too much like some sort of mind-control.

    Other than that, pretty good. It was definitely nice and cute. And I liked Kanako’s snake-gap, too, that was a nice touch.

  3. @Muffin: Sakuya and Yuyuko giving their subordinates a break, and people giving out donations, was supposed to feel like divinely inspired acts of kindness, although where inspiration ends and mind control begins is somewhat hard to define. I wonder why you never brought it up the first time it came out? That part was only slightly changed. The idea came from a comic strip from the (predominantly Catholic) Philippines, where a running joke is that everyone, from lazy daughters to crooked cops, is unrealistically nicer during the Christmas season.

    As for the feeling of being rushed, I have to say that’s an honest mistake, a consequence of trying too hard to simplify things. I tried to cut down on the number of pages, without considering the fact that things sometimes need to be drawn out longer. I agree that offering to make Cirno a shrine maiden seems a bit too much for the first meeting, but that can be fixed with a slight tweak of dialogue.

    I hope you at least think that each rewrite of the story has been better than the one before.

  4. I think I’ve said this before, but perhaps you should cut the ‘enslaved by common sense’ part? Maybe ‘enslaved by science’ or something, cause science is a bad thing that headcrabs Gordon Freeman was John Freeman was humens run brave towards Combines!!!

    That said, short doesn’t necessarily mean better. Though I acknowledge your decision to make there be less conflict (and by extension, more cuteness), a story can also be cute even if it has dark moments.

  5. Edited page 12 dialogue so Suwako doesn’t say Cirno could be her shrine maiden. But that is definitely a topic for consideration in the future, once the two know each other better.

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